Kind and Gentle

Less than two weeks after Aaron and I moved to Salt Lake, God gave me a job.  It is not the job I would have chosen by any stretch of the imagination, but I knew it was God.  I went into it, happy to be so sure of His will, and intending to work at this job with my whole heart.  Then, a few days ago, I had a huge realization: this is exactly what I was doing in Phoenix, except with no benefits and for about half the pay.  It is a big-wig company being managed in a completely obnoxious and ridiculous manner.  And it is a job that doesn’t fit my personality.  I was completely motivated to find a better job, frankly because I was pissed off.  Not at God.  Just at the way big businesses are run and because even when I try to tell employers what kind of work I like to do, they come at me with this attitude of, “No, you’re young and pretty and excellent with customers, so you’re going in customer service.”  And for a while, I believed employers when they told me that, and worked so hard on my weakness that everyone now thinks it’s my strength.

I came home that night, went to bed, and prayed and cried.  I told God, “I don’t know if You still want me there, but I’m not going to do it anymore.  I’m really sorry, I love You and I don’t want to disobey You, but I can’t do this.”  I wasn’t defiant, I didn’t want to be; I wasn’t mad at God, I just had to be real with Him.  I wasn’t going to stay in a job where I was miserable, a job that barely paid enough for us to get by.  I didn’t want a job in retail, I didn’t see any way this job would help me accomplish my dreams or do us good in any way.  I didn’t see any point in staying in a job that is so unfitting with the way God made me.  There are so many other jobs I would be so much happier in, where I could make so much more money, and maybe even *gasp* make a career!  Why can’t I just have one of those jobs?

The next day I went to work half-heartedly with the attitude of, “Just wait, I’ll be putting in my notice soon…” when suddenly the front end supervisor starts talking about promoting me.  Nothing official, but she and the assistant store manager had been talking about who would replace another front end supervisor when she goes on maternity leave.  They both thought I was the person for the job.  I thought, Really God?  Really??  Now I HAVE to stick around to see what happens.  If I’m a supervisor I’ll be full time, and it had better come with a raise…  I was still half-hearted, I decided to keep one foot in and one foot out.  Well then at church tonight, Pastor Jason was talking about surrender and I fell apart!  I HAVE to stay at Ross, and it IS worth it, if only because God wants me there.  He has a purpose, He is already in the future seeing how it will all play out.  He knows my dreams because He gave them to me and who better than Him to walk me step by step til I get there?  I don’t have to understand, because He does.  I just have to surrender.

Looking back, I’m amazed that, even though I told God “no” He was still so kind and gentle with me.  He wasn’t angry, He wasn’t offended.  He didn’t punish me.  I was honest with Him, that I really didn’t think I could do what He had asked of me, and so, He very lovingly gave me what I needed to do what He asked.  It is worth it because it is ordained by God.  One day, I know I’ll look back and be SO thankful that I stuck it out, and whole-heartedly did what He asked.  Thank You God for Your gentleness and love, for motivation, and for always equipping me with whatever I need to do Your will.